Steps out of Depression.
Learning to Dance in the Rain.
DEFINING RAIN:
I am aware in starting this article that we all have times in our lives that are more difficult than others. And times in our lives when things are great and everything just seems to fall into place. However, the times that I want to discuss here are the times where, metaphorically speaking, it seems to never stop raining. Everything seems bleak and you struggle to see light (joy) anywhere you look or feel joy about anything. It is during these times that I believe we need to find ways to find joy and dance (or smile, or laugh) amidst the rain.
Back in 1997, I was 20 and trying to process having a brain tumor (I had had it for 3 ½ years) when my peers only knew of or discussed ‘HAPPY’ and “Aww sad” (not so happy). I sank hugely, emotionally. I wasn’t expected to live a normal life span, with the brain tumor I had, and I really struggled to find any joy and felt no sense of purpose in life. Everything, and I mean everything seemed bleak. Due to the intensely dark (metaphorical) ‘sun glasses’ I permanently wore, everything that I looked at was grey. It influenced absolutely everything I saw.
All the people from the hostel that I had lived beside the previous 18 months, seemed permanently happy and I just felt so alone. Nobody else my age had ever experienced cancer or knew what a nightmare it was to have it continuously in the back of your mind. I thought too often about the fact I was going to die and I now see that I was essentially treading water until I did. I had real trouble focusing on my studies, I was doing random papers at university to amount to a Bachelor of arts in Psychology and Education, with the goal of becoming a school counselor.
I can’t recall what led me there but at my lowest point I started to frequently go to a jazz bar in Palmerston North (called the ‘Lone Indian’). It was there I started to fall in love with jazz music. I had been classically trained vocally (as well as on the violin) since I was 13 and had been in a national orchestra in my teens on the violin. However, I came to loathe how intensely strict classical music was; jazz just had such freedom. The musicians would do incredible solos with their own interpretations of the music. Even the singers (scat singing), it seemed so freeing.
For me, finding that outlet of going to this bar and hearing and meeting jazz musicians was so freeing and so greatly set me free from what I was working through mentally. I bought the album ‘Unforgettable’ with Natalie Cole singing with old recordings of her father, Nat King Cole and I learned that entire album. I just loved it. At the jazz bar I met some other talented young musicians and we met together each week to jam together. Learning to sing jazz and working with some musos helped set me free. We started to gig a little and just spent a lot of time jamming together. We recorded a demo album in 1998 (that I unfortunately no longer have any record of) and, day by day, I came out of depression. Discovering jazz music actually saved me. It gave me something I could do well to focus on.
What you need to take in here is that I had to take a risk, going to a jazz bar by myself, to listen to a genre of music that I had never listened to (I had been saturated in classical music throughout my teens). I intentionally didn’t drink alcohol as firstly, I couldn’t afford it, and secondly, I hugely didn’t like the sensation of not being in control of my body and mind.
I am incredibly grateful to have had the wisdom of my (6 years) older sister at this time. The bar manager asked me to go home with him to “give him rubs”. I was extremely innocent and naïve at that time, however I talked to one male friend who laughed at my, somewhat ridiculous, naivety about this and strongly advised me not to. I didn’t and talked to my sister the next day who strongly recommended that I did not have the “casual fling” I was considering. I have come to see that I was actually extremely vulnerable at that time.
I used to drive out to the Linton Military Base (11km) to train swimming for free. During that dark period in my life I thoroughly thought through suicide. However, I couldn’t do that to my parents as I knew it would destroy them. They lived in a small town where gossip spread like wild-fire. I just couldn’t do that to them.
Relating it back to life in general, re-learning to sing in this dark and rainy season in my life actually hugely helped lift me out of it and bring some (metaphorical) sunshine in. And I absolutely believe that swimming the 2km a day 5 days a week was a huge lift for me emotionally, with the endorphins, and helped me process what I was going through.
Now, 24 years on, I think that finding the one thing that I could do well, and that was unique to me, was an outlet and a way to get out and ‘shine’. I also think that swimming 2km a day hugely helped me just process what I was working through.
Sometimes just getting out of the house and going for a walk, by yourself or with a pet, friend or family member, is enough to help you breathe deeply and smile again.
Last year after months in lockdown, here in Auckland, New Zealand, it had been pouring with rain for days. My cousin and his wife decided to get out of the house and walk through the abandoned city-scape. To their astonishment, in doing so they greatly lifted their moods and they began to smile and laugh once again.
I have absolutely no doubt that keeping active, going out and getting some endorphins flowing, is a huge mood-lifter. All these years later I have split my workout in two. I do an hour in the morning and then 35 minutes late afternoon. I treasure that time and have found that by doing it I can get the endorphin lift twice a day.
I am incredibly fortunate that the elliptical cross-trainer that I bought in 2005, that helped me lose 50kg, is in our shed and so I have easy access to it to work out on. And during the gyms having to shutdown with Covid-19, this has most certainly been the case. It’s just the greatest blessing to have easy access to my exercise equipment. However, there are always ways to exercise. Walking is a great example.
If you are currently, or know somebody close to you, who is in a dark space mentally, struggling to see the light and joy in life, I have some tips for you.
- See a doctor and get medical help.
Problems with your mental health are no different to your physical health in many ways. However, if your blood pressure is up, or your cholesterol level is up you think nothing about going on medication to help fix the problem. If you have diabetes you take insulin. Why then do you not also see this as a medical issue? I know that I did see a Doctor and following her advice led to a vast improvement of my situation.
2. See a counselor or psychologist or someone with training to talk things over with.
I have seen many, since my cancer diagnosis in 1994, and depression diagnosis in 1998 and it has meant the world to me to be able to speak out what I have been feeling and to try to process what is going on in my world. Once again, there is no shame in it.
3. Go outside every day.
It may seem extremely difficult at the start but get outside every day. Just to change the scene every day if nothing else. Staying in a closed room, staring at your walls or, worse, your phone, is not going to lift you up. But you are the only person who can make yourself do this.
4. Get some exercise as often as possible.
The whole world is promoting exercise for all the wrong reasons! It’s all about changing your dress size, losing this many inches in this short space of time. But think that the world’s media has it all wrong! Those things actually aren’t the greatest things about exercise at all! And the benefits are far greater. Getting out and exercising gets your heart rate up, makes you puff a little or a lot, and brings a real lift to you emotionally through the incredible gift of endorphins. This is a huge motivation to my now working out twice a day, taking it up to 95 minutes. It’s seriously two of the best times in my day, every day!
5. Smile at Yourself!
Smile at yourself in the mirror a few times a day. I remember I had read this when I was studying psychology back in the late ’90s and thinking it was absolutely nuts but I now know, from experience, that it really does work. If you do this enough you are actually telling yourself, subconsciously, that you are happy. And seeing yourself resembling a happy person leads you to actually believing it eventually. I had a huge insecurity about smiling causing me to get double chins in photos in my early university years and so never did. I actually think that always seeing myself looking unhappy in photos just reinforced that belief that I was?
6. Smile at others!
I know this sounds like a paradox when a person is feeling low. However, I discovered, when I started walking a lot, that a smile is the most contagious thing you can pass on to anyone. And the amazing thing is that smiling is contagious! In giving a smile, you nearly always have it reciprocated and being smiled at is such a joy. If you choose to look at the ground, or you even are just continually on your phone, you miss the joy there is to be found in sharing a smile.
7. Keep a gratitude journal.
Focus your mind for a little while each evening and note down three things that you are grateful for from the day just gone. It may sound pointless but I can promise you this was and is life-changing for me.
I have now had depression, and come out of it, in dealing with the extremely rough 13 or so years I had. These were after 10 lots of neurosurgery on a brain tumor. The 7 steps that I have laid out here are what I have personally found got me through these times. However, here are links to what significant Universities and Colleges have said to validate my points:
Point 1: See a Doctor
Point 2: See a therapist/ counselor or psychologist
Point 3: Go outside every day
Point 4: Get some form of exercise every day
Even though this could perhaps seem daunting, even just a 20 minute walk at lunchtime at work gets you breathing deeply and gives you that dash of air in your lungs.
Point 5: Smile at Yourself
Point 6: Smile at Others
Point 7: Keep a gratitude Journal
You truly deserve to live enjoying each day, as I now do!
The tips that I have given above I know have greatly helped me and I genuinely believe will also help you no matter how different your circumstances may be from mine. You deserve the experience of living in joy every day. I just feel such gratitude that I now live with this as my norm.
Your happiness truly is worth pursuing. You deserve it.
